March 23: Return of the Queen

Okay, actually it was supposed to be National Puppy Day, but Jack already found his presents and I'll practically be home by the time you read this, so I'm gonna allow some flexibility.  Hope you enjoyed your 24 days of blogging sunshine.  Now to take a very long vacation from it.  Guh.  I don't know how some people do this every day!



Glad you all survived without me.  See you VERY SOOOOOOON!

xoxoxoxoxoxo

March 22: Day of the Seal + World Water Day

Today we celebrate water and the great water pollutant known as seals.  Oh you didn't know seals were polluters?  Well, maybe I made it up and maybe I didn't, but I'm gonna darn well draw a darn parallel between the two darn days if I darn well want to, darn it!  See how I distract you from my questionable start to this sure-to-be-a-stretch blog post with my foul language?  That's a tip kids, write it down.

In more important news, it is also the day that my plane departs most people's idea of paradise so that I can return to my idea of paradise.  Sweet home Colorado, where have you been all of my life?

Now that I've introduced a 3rd piece to this holiday extravaganza, it's time for me to find a tidy way to wrap it all up into one package for you.



That's right--a song by Seal, that has water imagery and describes a love affair.  Seal.  Water.  Colorado.  For the win.  Oh, happy day...

March 21: First Day of Spring

It's the first day of Spring!  Hooray warm weather!  Speaking of warm weather, I finally got around to uploading some photos.  Let's check a few out, shall we?

I don't have much else to say about today, so instead I'll share a little story.  Last night a friend of Lindy's came over, and we decided to play Up the River, Down the River.  What poor Phil didn't know is that we rigged the cards before he got there.  And you know what happens when you have two aces in your hand and the remaining two show up as the "take 8" and "take 10" cards?  It means that you are slamming a 24oz Four Loko in 3 minutes or less because with those 36 drinks and the other 30+ dished out to him when Lindy and I had the "give" cards, that's a lot of drinks.  He didn't get suspicious until that very last ace turned up though.

Once he finished his Four Loko, Lindy volunteered to make him a screwdriver.  Little did he know that Lindy "rufied" him with the only thing she had available.  Benadryl.  EIGHT of them, to be exact.  Lucky for him, her sister didn't feel like making an ER run when the Four Loko and the Benadryl combined to eat his stomach lining.

Next up was the walk through hooker county (we counted 12) to reach the bar, acting as interpreter for Lindy to the bartenders when she refused to place orders using anything but colors ("I'll take two purples, please"), the new miracle cure for hiccups that worked instantly for me (bitters and seltzer with a slice of lemon...it was amazing), and drunk girls trying to pick Lindy up for their male friends.  Then a long walk home, minus Phil (hope he didn't die from the BeneLoko cocktail), and plus a massive blister on my toe when Lindy switched me shoes.

The hangover didn't kick in until 7pm today, meaning a solid 18hrs after my last drink.  Scott, if you have any theories about how to avoid extremely deceptive hangovers that attack long after I've finished drinking, slept, woke up, ate, exercised, napped, and ate again...I'm all ears.  Maybe Lindy rufied me too.

March 20: Great American Meat Out Day

Well, last night fizzled because we didn't make it to the Four Loko before we PTFO'd.  However, I've just cracked my first ever of these beasts (they're disgusting, btw), so this post might go downhill if I write too slowly. (Edit: Lindy & Kyle just got in a fight because she doesn't like him when he's drunk because he changes the radio station and tells her to turn on the windshield wipers when it's raining, and so he left for a long walk by himself and is now going home, and Lindy's making me finish my Four Loko anyway so we can go do something, but the mood isn't quite the same...sigh...I really liked him...)

So Great American Meat Out Day.  It's the day that we all realize how harmful eating meat is for our world and ourselves and vow to take a day off from our evil ways.  But I'll let the hippies explain:

"On March 20, thousands of caring people in all 50 U.S. states and two dozen other countries get active to host educational events for Meatout--the world's largest grassroots diet education campaign. Activists distribute free food, educate their communities, and ask their friends, families, and neighbors to 'kick the meat habit' and explore a wholesome, compassionate diet of fruits, vegetables, and whole grains."

Wholesome and compassionate.  Don't you just love the moral superiority?  Not so compassionate for the poor baby carrots and lil cutie tangerines, though are they?  Those innocent oats.  What did they ever do to us?  I say fugg 'em.  Those hippies can take their holiday and shove it.  Today, we're celebrating Great American Patriotic People Eat Meat Day.

Here is a video of a patriot putting herself on the line to punish all of God's creatures equally--so suck it, hippies:

Now, to help you continue your celebration, I have a present for you.  And, as usual, a clue.  A (maybe?) tougher one this one.  Can't have you getting soft before I get home.  So here you go...good luck!

Hippies see everything in black and white.  Go behind their flood of empty words and find the truth.

March 19: Swallows Day

Swallows Day.  Now there's a holiday for you.  Who needs BJ Day when you've got Swallows Day?  Well, it's actually the day the swallows return to California from their winter migration to Argentina.  But that's not as fun, obviously.  In honor of this great day, here's some truths for you to swallow, that I've learned over the past few days:

1. "If you really want to know what's happening in the world, and why it's happening the way it is, you need to be listening to Glenn Beck" --a very talkative and misinformed patient
2. Loki likes leashes almost as much as Jackson.
3. Lindy panics when she has to leave a voicemail and she's being watched.  Her message to tech support about the links that weren't working on her template page was, "We have a clicking...mouse...problem.  Please call me back as soon as possible."
4. Sometimes 2 one-hour walks are still not enough time for your sister to complete her daily nap, and you may have to improvise for other activities.
5. Tonight is going to be a good night.  So far we 1) bought beer from Chevron, 2) drank said beer out of paper bags, and 3) will switch to Four Loko when the beer runs out.  Maybe I'll actually have photos to share after tonight.

And tomorrow is another present for you guys.  A good one.  So maybe it will make up for my less-than-quality posts these last couple days.  Here's to hopin'...

March 18: Awkward Moments Day

Scott & Adrienne, I wish you had been around for the whole "Awkward Like Matt Kruger" phase that Camp Sparky went through in my grad school days.  I can't do it justice with a description, but the gist was that Matt's awkward (and lengthy) pauses, phrasing, and mannerisms caused general hilarity and became the standard adjective for awkward moments.  Doesn't sound very awesome, I know, but trust me.

Maybe this photo and story will help:

So I was driving to dinner with Matt, and he was telling a story while absent-mindedly playing with the cord on my tape player converter thing-a-ma-jig.  We arrive at our destination and go to get out of the car, and Matt does a face plant of sorts, unable to make a complete dismount from the car.  He distracted himself so much while telling his story that he wound the cord around the loop on his carpenter jeans several times, effectively tethering him to my dashboard.

This is an Awkward Like Matt Kruger moment.


So anyway, today is Awkward Moments Day.  Now go make something awkward happen!  Or just watch some awkward videos.

March 17: St. Patrick's Day

I had hoped to have a bunch of photos of the lush greenness of Hawaii to post here, but since I've spent all of my time inside the house thus far, no such luck.

So I googled St. Patty's Day to find something interesting to tell you, and here is what Wikipedia taught me:

• The color associated with the day was originally blue
• St. Patrick used shamrocks to explain the trinity in his evangelism of the Irish
• The church sometimes moves St. Patrick's Day if it happens to fall during Holy Week or other important solemnities, so in 1940 it was on April 3; in 2008 they moved it too (to March 14), but somehow I missed that...good thing it won't be in the way again until 2160
• The shortest St Patrick's Day parade in the world takes place in Cork, Ireland, where the parade lasts just 100 yards and travels between the village's two pubs

I looked for fun videos too, but again, fail.  I did hide something for you to find for today, but I'm not sure why I thought it was fun since it's just green beads, which we already had.  So I guess you can have almonds today too.  The almonds were supposed to be for National Pecan Day except that Walgreens didn't have pecans--they only had almonds.  So I substituted.

Man.  My posts are going downhill quickly here.

Well, if you feel so inclined, here are some relatively lame clues to find today's relatively lame prizes:

1. In the movie, _____, ______, who shares the same name as a friendly kids' character, says, "I gotta start wearin' more ______." (the location clue is the 3rd blank...the other two are just to make it a more challenging clue)
2. [Bottom drawer of the] "_____ [bureau] rots your brains," says the babysitter in this 20yr old movie.

Can I come home yet?

Edit: I found a few old photos of a good St. Patty's Day past to share...

     

March 16: Lips Appreciation Day

I've been traveling all day and don't have much in the way of a full blog post in me, so this one's gonna be short. Today is Lips Appreciation Day, and after the cold, dry winter, it's time to de-chap-ify those puppies.

So go in search of today's little present, and then pucker up and get your brother-wife thing on.

Enter
North ~4 steps
East ~8 steps
North ~2 steps
East ~3 steps
South ~.5 steps
Open

Note.  "Steps" are estimates based on my relatively good size but comfortable stride, but all an estimation from what I remember of the house, and it has been a couple weeks, so maybe I'm way off...

March 15: The Ides of March

Bewaaaaaaaare the Ides of Maaaaaarch...

Says the ghost of March 15th past.  Well, it wasn't quite the Ides where this story begins as much as it was two days prior to the Ides, but that makes it the 13th, which is an unlucky number too, so I'll let it slide.

This past Sunday, Dad led a Meetup group on a hike.  Meetup has been my dad's social lifeline--all his friends, all his outdoor activities, all his fun.  He normally leads this hike with his friend Dave, who is also retired/unemployed at a relatively young age and being supported financially by his wife.  They get along well.  Well, Dave couldn't make it, which Dad didn't appreciate since it was such last minute notice, but he went through with plans anyway.  It was a big group--17 people plus Dad--and they were taking a demanding and technically challenging route up a steep and craggy mountain.  This was a bring your cramp-ons and ice axe kind of day.

The sun was out and although it was only 25 degrees, it felt much warmer.  People get complacent when it's so beautiful.  They start to forget how dangerous it can be.  Clear blue skies, no breeze, and the group trekked off to make the daylong ascent.  In the group were a range of abilities, from expert climber to amateur enthusiast.  Some of them Dad had never met before, but were brought by friends.

They were sweating and exhilarated by the time they reached the saddle several hours into the day, and although that had been intended as their final destination, some in the group clamored for more.  Beyond the saddle the hike would become much more difficult--holding your ice axe like a 'T' with one hand on either side, you anchor it as a ladder rung at chest height you, set your stair step with the toe pick on one foot, then with the other, then pull out the ice axe, move it higher, and repeat.  It's slow going and very steep.  Knowing this hike wasn't for everyone, the decision was made to split up.  A third of the group did a smaller ascent up a different peak; a third did the intense climb; the remainder chose to stay at the saddle and relax in the sun.  One of the newbies, a late 40s woman whose friends had brought her along was in the latter group, but her friends (one of whom was an MD), chose to take the tough climb.

The doctor missed multiple phone calls from the friend that had been left behind while she was heading up the ridge.  This wasn't realized until they already begun their descent back the saddle, saw the Medivac helicopter, and began to worry.  At some point, Newbie fell--not far--off a loose edge while hanging out in the saddle, and tangled herself in the rocks.  Her arm, ankle, and face broken, she had tried to call her friend for help, but to no avail.  People were in a panic when they arrived at the saddle, and the injured party was still being loaded.  While they waited, two more Medivac helicopters arrived for two teenagers in a different group, who had fallen while climbing Flattop (you've done that climb!).

Today, the Ides of March swing into full effect as the emails fly pointing fingers and placing blame.  "Leaders should better assess the skills of the participants"..."They never should have split up"..."YOUR hike was a disaster; mine never end like this"..."We knew this was going to happen"...  An email from a very upset and guilt-ridden father to the Newbie apologized for his role and the responsibility he had for her injury...and somewhere (here), a legal-minded mother loses her shit over his admission of guilt despite clear evidence to the contrary (he's not a paid leader, people assume their own risk by going, her friends brought/left her, etc.).

Bewaaaaaaaare the Ides of Maaaaaarch...

In other Ides of March news, apparently San Fran does a "Brides of March" event every year where crazy women (and men) wear goodwill wedding dresses and pub crawl.  Sign me up!

March 14: Pi Day

This one is kinda obvious, considering the several-standard-deviations-above-normal level of geek-i-tude in our house.  So, instead of posting a bunch of really geeky homage-to-Pi-Day things, I'm gonna take this one a different direction.  South.  Very, very far south.  And also north.  Very, very far north.  Let me take you to a typical night out in Anchorage, Alaska, surrounded by the dregs of society, who only know 'pi' as one of the building blocks of their food pyramid.  That's right--we're going to the very southern end of the geek-i-tude Bell curve in the northernmost state.  Brace yourself.

So first, a bit of background.  The players:

1. Janelle: Employee.  The new girl.  From Colorado Springs.  Thinks Bud Light is the only alcohol worth drinking.
2. Juan: Boyfriend of Janelle.  Pushing 40.  Father of two, from another woman.  PTSD sufferer, from his time in war.  Likes referencing the horrible things he's done to people and had done to him as a part of his time in the military.
3. Sam/Blackout Sam: Employee.  Angry at everything and everyone.  Likes referring to herself in the 3rd person.  Thinks alcohol is the only thing worth drinking.  Has gained a lot of weight in the past six months when she gave her boyfriend of four years an ultimatum and he skipped town.
4. Shelby: Employee.  Jealous of Sam's friendship with Janelle.  Divorced her husband while he was in Iraq for the new guy she's shacked up (a personal training client).
5. Julie:  Friend of Juan & Janelle (via boyfriend, Dave).  Whale with a bleached-blond pixie cut.  Hiccups when she drinks.  Attempts to scare herself in order to end her hiccuping.  Must've inhaled a significant amount of helium in order to be able to speak in the high-pitched, squeaky manner that she does.

The night begins at a local "classy" restaurant.  I walk in and am greeted with the statement, "We just got here from the wine drinking place.  We're drunk."  Within five minutes, Sam has tucked 3 empty glasses and a spoon into her purse.  Sam and Juan order beer flights, requesting, "whichever ones are like Bud Light."  I'm told in graphic detail about the chunk of flesh missing from Sam's finger after she attempted to make Juan's beer foam over (that whole bottle tapping thing) but left her finger between the bottles when doing so.  I'm also told about Janelle's dislike of people (all people), Juan's PTSD and shrapnel injuries (this is the first time I've met him), and warned that Blackout Sam and her baby will be joining us later.  The "baby" is a reference to Sam's weight gain that caused a patient to ask her if she was pregnant last week, and have no remorse for asking when informed otherwise.  There are many snarky comments made about the missing member of the trio, Shelby.  Off to a good start, and this was only dinner.

Next on the agenda is Al's.  "Dive Bar" is a status it aspires to reach someday, if it can clean up it's act.  The entire inside is diamond-plated.  Floor, ceiling, support columns, bar, etc.  Disco lights reflect off all the surfaces, blinding you as you try to make your way to a table.  The fog machine isn't making it any easier.  I have more teeth in my mouth than all five bartenders combined.  The go-to 'club' look is Carhartt shorts, white tube socks, Adidas rubber sandals, and a dirty white tank or tee.  It's four degrees out.  They want $5.50 for a Bud Light.

Farther into the hellhole, I hear music.  But the vocals are...not right.  Oh god, it's karaoke, and it's a bachelorette party.  Blackout Sam screams at the Filipino woman butchering Whitney Houston to stop making her ears bleed.  Then she makes me pinch her to see "if this is really real".  Shelby shows up and the catty remarks and false niceties begin.  I love watching the drama unfold.  Then Julie and Dave arrive.  We get to hear the story of how Julie's daughter "was supposed to be named Shelby, but when she came out [imagine graphic hand gestures and she illustrates the birth of her daughter], she had red hair, so I just HAD to name her Mackenzie!" four times.  Literally.  All catty remarks now focus on the whale in the pixie cut.  She tries to get me to sing Taylor Swift with her; I politely decline; Juan gets to take my place.  Blackout Sam screams that the terrible singing is bad for the baby, and someone better get her another beer.  Julie bursts into tears at a sudden realization that the friend she came here with left for a different bar without saying goodbye.  Much hugging and comforting ensue.  Janelle warns me about the Herpes pole, a stripper pole that is so nasty that simply passing near it will result in at least a few uncurable diseases.  Moments later the bachelorette party rushes to the dance floor to make use of the pole, and the comment is made that those who already have the diseases have nothing to worry about.

It's not even midnight and the dancing cougars, toothless men, screaming from Blackout Sam, tone deaf bachelorettes, and cattiness has me exhausted.  I need a shower.  A bleach shower.  Just another night out in Anchorage.

I couldn't bring myself to document too much of this night, because I didn't really want to remember a good portion of it.  However, since I wasn't drinking, Blackout Sarah couldn't save me from the memories.  I did get a couple videos though...watch at your own risk (but if you do, watch for some awesome dance moves).

March 13: Check Your Batteries Day

Yeah, these middle-ish days of March suck for holidays.  Sorry guys.

Anyway, today is check your batteries day, so I suppose you should go check all the smoke alarm batteries and make sure you're still safe from fire.  Exciting stuff.  It's also National Open an Umbrella indoors day, which is perhaps even more exciting than checking batteries.  I suppose it's also Daylight Savings, but it's the crappy one where you lose an hour, so I don't want to remind anyone of such a negative thing (although I suppose while you're checking batteries you can go ahead and change the clocks, too).  Since I have nothing else interesting or exciting to say about this day, I'll just post some random photos.

To go along with the post on name meanings...Scott the Tripod (note the logo/caption in the lower right)

Adrienne's batteries are working well here

Adrienne is out of batteries here, and cuddling with toilet paper.  I call this one "Homeless Adrienne".

March 12: Girl Scout Day

So besides being Girl Scout Day, it's also Valerie's birthday.  Consider this your reminder, Adrienne :)

Now back to the Girl Scout stuff.  I was in Girl Scouts from 3rd grade to the end of high school.  I'd share awesome photos of me in my sexy girl scout uniform(s), but they're all in boxes in the laundry room there.  Feel free to go look if really want to!  Anyway, Girl Scouts was started March 12, 1912 by Juliette Gordon Low in Savannah, Georgia (see how much you learn from these daily posts)?  Girl Guides (the non-US version) was founded by the wife of the guy that created the Boy Scouts.  You'd think they would've done the Boys Scouts and the Girl Scouts, but no.  I think she didn't want anyone thinking she was copying her husband.  Corey, when I steal your ideas, I'll make sure I copy them closely enough that you get credit.

I remember the days when it was safe to go door-to-door asking people to buy cookies.  I also remember how much it sucked and I hated it.  Now, mall sales, that was a different story.  I loved those (until I got into high school and was then horrified at the idea of classmates seeing me) because it was so much more effective.  Going door-to-door you maybe sold a couple boxes every 30min, but with mall sales it was nonstop.  And $1 from every box went to sending me to train dolphins in Hawaii!

I looked for good photos and videos of Girl Scouts to add some entertainment to this post, but that was a waste of an hour, so I'm giving up.  Instead, here are some movies you can watch that will help you celebrate the day, curled up with a nice box of Thin Mints.  Or Do-so-dos.  Or Tagalongs.  Mmmmm...

• Troop Beverly Hills (not bad for a 90s era movie about scouting)
• The Addams Family ("they're made with real Girl Scouts!")
• Troop 1500: Girl Scouts Beyond Bars (a 'heartwarming' story of Girl Scouts whose mothers are serving time)
• Girl Scout Cookies ("6 couples head into the woods of Northern Minnesota looking for a weekend of fun, romance and camping. But instead of enjoying the warm waters and each others company they end up forced into a game of life and death where it's kill or be killed."...sounds amazing, right?  I think we should download it.)

March 11: Johnny Appleseed Day

I blame Girl Scouts for this, but every time I hear the name Johnny Appleseed, I feel the need to burst into song...

"Ohhhhh...the Lord is good to me, and so I thank the Lord! For giving me, the things I need, the sun and the rain and the appleseed the Lord is good to meeeeee"

Phew.  Sorry about that.  Had to get it out or I might burst.  So yeah--Johnny Appleseed Day.  Johnny Appleseed was of the Swedenborgian Church, had a soft spot for mosquitoes, and was super tall (blame Wikipedia if I'm wrong).  Never married because he either a) was betrayed by a woman (a girl he raised from childhood to eventually be his wife) or b) thought he would get two women in Heaven by skipping women on earth.  Either way, weird-o!

So now, time for your clue to go find some prizes.  There are two of them--one for the boys, and one for Adrienne, but they're hidden together.  I'll try a simpler (I hope) clue this time...

I'm Bow, yo, I'm the greatest wrapper ever ever...

March 10: INTERNATIONAL DAY OF AWESOMENESS

I hope you all read that title in your head with a big booming movie announcer voice.  That's how I hear it every time I read it.  So, back to the issue at hand.

Today is a day to recognize and perform FEATS OF AWESOMENESS.  Why March 10?  Well, today is also Chuck Norris' birthday, and it doesn't get more awesome than Chuck Norris.  But this isn't about him--it's about the awesomeness of ordinary people.  So what will you do today to be awesome?  Some twitter suggestions:

• Gym, tan, laundry
• Wear a green shirt
• "When I get sad, I stop being sad and be awesome instead. True story."
• Do not get laid off
• Take an awesome nap
• Lots of things in foreign languages, that I'm sure are awesome when translated, but I like this one best: "OMG mañana es el día internacional del AWESOMENESS!!! ¿Qué hacemo? SPACE ROCK, MOTHERFUCKER!!!"
• Die your hair blue (founder of the holiday did this)

Okay, some of those are not the most awesome awesomeness suggestions I've ever heard, but the day is still young.  Now here are some really awesome (and many very stupid-awesome) feats:



Today I think my feat of awesomeness will wrapping up two of my big projects here so that I can move on from AK to HI next Tuesday...one step closer to coming home!  Yeah!

March 9: Registered Dietitian Day

You did very well on your challenge yesterday--congrats on earning a delicious prize.  Speaking of delicious prizes, today is Registered Dietitian Day, and they would not approve of such things.  Since it's now officially Lent, and you're supposed to be giving up things you like, such as carbs, I will support you boys' quest to live a healthier lifestyle.  But just for today.  Today I bring you a collection of delicious recipes, most of which probably you will won't eat because they don't fall within your strict guidelines, but you can cook them for Adrienne.

Beef & Potato Salad with Smoky Chipotle

In central Mexico, this salad is a standard—served as an appetizer, main dish or taco filling. Serve it with lime wedges, warm tortillas or tortilla chips.

Chicken with Whole-Grain Mustard & Zucchini in Packets

Mustard and thyme flavor chicken and veggies in this easy dinner.

Crispy Turkey Tostadas

Shredded leftover turkey tops homemade tostadas in this Tex-Mex favorite. \Choose either regular petite diced tomatoes or those with added jalapeños, depending on your inclination for spicy food. Serve with black beans, rice and extra salsa or hot sauce on the side.

Grilled Halibut with Cilantro Garlic Butter

A copy from Adrienne's FB friend, and obviously not my style, but consider this a reminder to try it while I'm gone if you haven't already.





Adrienne, I'm sorry you're reading this at work at feeling hungry.  Distract yourself by reading about the giant fail of baby name selections that some people make.

March 8: Fat Tuesday

Scott & Adrienne, you guys probably better know how to celebrate this one than I do, since you've gone and done the real thing.  So feel free to share the best ways to celebrate.

Well, it's quasi-religious, since the idea is that you get all the things out of your system that you aren't going to be allowed to do for the next 40 days during Lent, although it's more turned into a drink-too-much-and-get-naked sort of thing.  Not that there's anything wrong with that.  Considering I'm not there, it seems like the perfect time to get into the spirit and embrace the naked time--just keep the curtains closed so you don't scar too many of the neighbors.

Today my challenge for you is a mini photo scavenger hunt, mostly because that will entertain me more than having to write content myself.  The theme is Mardi Gras, obviously, and it's a team challenge.  Once I get all five photos, you might win a prize.

1. Jackson in a Mardi Gras mask and beads
2. "Let it all hang out"
3. King & Queen
4. Yellow-Purple-Green
5. Body Painting

March 7: Casimir Pulaski Day

Corey, I picked this one for you since it's an Illinois holiday.  It's apparently only an Illinois holiday because you have a large Polish population in Chicago, but details, shmetails.  Apparently you all get the day off from school though, so I'm willing to celebrate any holiday that achieves that.  There's apparently also a federal holiday--October 9--that celebrates him, but that's for the day of his death, and this one is for the day of his birth.

Man--not even our presidents get a day for their birth AND their death, so this guy must really be special.  All Wikipedia tells me is that he trained soldiers for the Revolutionary War, though.  And that he had a funny little mustache.

Urban Dictionary doesn't like him very much, but some musician wrote a song called Casimir Pulaski Day (which is actually quite pretty and sad, btw)...other than that, there's not much to make a decent blog post here, so I've decided just to post a couple photos and a video that I've taken in the past couple days.  Enjoy.

Preparing for the Dog Walk / Death March

Sleeping Lady

Driveway Moose

The ferret at the dog pound that really wanted OUT of its cage

March 6: Snowshoe Day

+ =
Today is Snowshoe Day.  Is it National Snowshoe Day?  International Snowshoe Day?  Maybe Snowshoe Appreciation Day?  Too many hard questions.  All I know is that it's some form of Snowshoe Day.

So, the plan was to write something awesome about snow.  Or shoes.  Or some combination of the two.  However, I now have all these days of things that I prepared for that I'm not actually going to be gone for, and I feel the need to find a way to work them in.  So here we go.

We're also celebrating National Chocolate Covered Raisin Day today, even though it's not until the 24th.  Yep, that's a real holiday.  I know you thought those raisins were little rabbit/deer turds.  It's okay, it probably would make more sense to combine these two days if that were the case.  Instead, I now feel obligated to challenge you to make a snowshoe out of chocolate covered raisins.  First though, you must hunt down the wily prey... 

CLUE: You can find them somewhere low (but not too low), somewhere dark, behind closed doors, and somewhat near where Jackson's not allowed to bark...

p.s. I love local news

March 5: Namesake Day

Today we celebrate our namesakes, our names, our name meanings, and the cosmic power that unites us all...or something like that.  I have no idea who you all are named for, but I'm quite capable of looking up your name meanings (picking the one I like best, whether it's the most common or not) and then doing strange things with those for you.  So let's commence!

Today we celebrate all Coreys for their broad dwarf-ness, solid prairies, and deep acres.  Their earthy-hideaways are naturific shelters nestled in the hills, valleys, and caves of the woodlands.  They are an even-tempered people with crafty hands and generous hearts.  Also, their name is for black people, according to thinkbabynames.com.

And now a few selections from urbandictionary.com for "Corey":

1. The act of receiving self satisfaction while looking at yourself in the mirror.
2. Your physical peak, the other definition of Manly, or just being possibly the greatest human being who has ever lived.
3. One who can Perform an "ass-clap".
4. A hidden talent all Corey's share is the ability to soak in knowledge, and use it for the greater good, like ability to do great hair and make up!
5. This name is given to a boy who is handsome, trustworthy and smart...many people would love to be "Corey".
6. Slang Cockney word for penis.

Today we celebrate all Adriennes for their smoldering good looks and shadowy cloyingness.  They are intensely dusky in their mysterious fertility with an air of vivid prosperity that follows them everywhere they go.  People of the night they are--with plentiful luxury and lush obscurity.

And now a few selections from urbandictionary.com for "Adrienne":

1. Amazing, extremely sexy, attractive, tendency to geek out to music and random things, cute, funny, amazing in bed, awesome kisser, nice ass, AMAZING PERSONALITY!!!
2. Puts the A in WAM.
3. One smokin ass bitch.
4. Crazy as shit / they are usually walking around with a confused smile on their face.
5. LOVES the color pink.
6. Could beat up any guy.

Scotts the world over are celebrated today for their loyal heroism and painted confidence.  These people are the spirited but strong-willed type, who travel cleverly and persuade actively.  Their warrior heart is fierce with nobility and brave in the to the point of illustrious.

And now a few selections from urbandictionary.com for "Scott":

1. They usually plan to do something to better the world like going in to the Marines or Army.
2. Scott also likes to think hes a Playa...but he's too caring to be a Playa...
3. See: Jesus Christ, Chuck Norris
4. Incredibly good looking with a great six pack. Usually found surrounded by a group of girls but can sometimes be found laying back and reading a book. Always there when you need someone to talk and can easily make you laugh. Friends always come first for scott.
5. Most Scotts are always horny, but do not think with their overly huge wangs.
6. Possibly, and most likely, the most amazing guy you will ever meet.

I celebrate all of you on this most important of days.  I hope you feel celebrated.  The end.

I Can't Believe I Didn't Get a Photo

Dad Pledged the wood floor today.  And if you think Jackson on a recently-mopped wood floor is funny, you should see a handicapped dog and a clumsy dog try and navigate a slippery floor.  Joey literally will be standing still, and her legs will fly out from under her, leaving her splayed out on her stomach.  Then she gets really embarrassed and tries to crawl under the couch. Timber is terrified of the floor and is trying to learn how to climb the walls in order to avoid it.  We now have pots, pans, other miscellaneous kitchen items, and anything else bulky filling every surface above ground level--chairs, couches, coffee tables, etc.--because he refuses to stay on the floor.  If he could levitate, he would be so happy.  I can't believe I didn't get a photo of him curled up atop the pile of things we had in the little white side chair, balanced precariously, but content in his safety from the evil floor.

p.s. Corey, my dad hates Say Yes to the Dress far more than you could muster the energy to compete with.  He was begging for commercials the whole friggin' 30min it was on.

p.p.s. Anchorage TV ad writers are the most blatantly plagiarizing group of "creative" professionals EVAR. In the last 5min I saw the Mac vs. PC redone into a furniture commercial and the Could 15min really save you 15% on your car insurance? GEICO commercial turned into a car dealership commercial.  The dialogue is as word-for-word as it gets, with just the product name substituted.  UGH.

March 4: National Grammar Day

As you might expect, this is one of my favorites.  In fact, I like it so much, I'm expanding it to include spelling and punctuation.  So Happy National Good Grammar, Spelling, and Punctuation Day!  In order to put you in the mood for such a celebration, I think some tasteful grammar jokes are in order...

Q: What is another name for Santa's elves?
A: Subordinate Clauses

---

A linguistics professor was lecturing to his class one day. "In English," he said, "A double negative forms a positive. In some languages, though, such as Russian, a double negative is still a negative. However, there is no language wherein a double positive can form a negative."  A voice from the back of the room piped up, "Yeah, right."

---

Harry is getting along in years and finds that he is unable to perform sexually. He finally goes to his doctor who tries a few things, but nothing seems to work. So the doctor refers him to an American Indian medicine man. The medicine man says, "I can cure this." That said, he throws a white powder in a flame, and there is a flash with billowing blue smoke. Then he says, "This is powerful medicine. You can only use it once a year. All you have to do is say '123,' and it will rise for as long as you wish" The guy asks, "What happens when I don't want to continue?" The medicine man replies: "All you or your partner has to say is 1234, and it will go down. But be warned - it will not work again for another year."

Harry rushes home, eager to try out his new powers and prowess. That night he is ready to surprise Joyce. He showers, shaves, and puts on his most exotic shaving lotion. He gets into bed, and lying next to her says, "123." He suddenly becomes more aroused than any previous time in his life - just as the medicine man had promised. Joyce, who had been facing away, turns over and asks, "What did you say 123 for?"

This is why you shouldn't end a sentence with a preposition.

---

Alright...hopefully that warmed you up for the fantastic holiday that is Grammar Day.  Now, go out there and correct someone's grammar!  Then, plant a wet one on the cunning linguist in your life (except you, Corey...you can kiss Jackson).

Need more?  Follow @fakeapstylebook on Twitter.  Good stuff.

March 3: I Want You To Be Happy Day

I'm not even making this up!  Today really is "I Want You To Be Happy Day".  It's so very true--I DO want you to be happy, so it seemed extra appropriate.  AND, I got you each a card!  But you have to go find them.  Here are your clues:

Adrienne: A Swim Tin Woodcarver

Corey: Effect is Cool

Scott: Poor Mistake

Good luck!

p.s. If you need a hint, and you earned one or more yesterday, let me know and I'll send one your way :)

Dinner in Alaska

You thought I was kidding when I told you they don't keep food around the house, didn't you?  Tonight my dinner was:

• a piece of toast
• a pickle
• a popsicle

Also, I had cheese and an apple for lunch.  Sigh...

March 2: Dr. Seuss Day

Today is Dr. Seuss Day!  Scott & Adrienne--remember when we used to do a special version of Camp Sparky day camp by going to a school for Dr. Seuss Day?  We usually did the Lorax and then read to the kiddos.  I think we made masks too.

In honor of the great Dr. Geisel, you should go visit Seussville, create your own Who, play some games, and then go read a book.  Yes, you too Corey.  You can start by reading a short story from the book I loaned you THREE YEARS AGO that you still haven't cracked.  Then you can Skype me in and we can talk about the books we read, like our own mini book club.  It'll almost be like we're all adults or something.

Now for a Dr. Seuss quiz.  For each question you get right, without the help of the internet (honor system! assistance from co-workers is okay, but no google help!), I'll award you a hint to use on a future day's blog post.  Tomorrow is the first day that you will have to find something, so just in case my clues are too tough, wouldn't it be nice to know you've earned a hint or two?  Leave your answers in the comments, and the first correct answer will be awarded a hint!

Question 1: What color is the goo in the story 'Fox in Socks'?

1. green
2. red
3. blue
4. yellow

Question 2: In the story 'The Cat In The Hat' what was the name of the little girl?

1. Kelly
2. Sally
3. Mary
4. Nelly

Question 3: Where does the character finally try Sam-I-Am's green eggs and ham? 

1. In a house
2. In the water
3. In the dark
4. On a train

Question 4: In the Dr.Seuss book 'The Grinch Meets His Max' what animal or thing finally gets rid of the Grinch's itch?

1. A dog
2. A zeep
3. A wump
4. A stick

Question 5: Which of these is NOT a Dr. Seuss made-up word?

1. Squitsch
2. Blowzer
3. Jicker
4. Zax

March 1: National Pig Day

Today is National Pig Day. Bet you didn't know that holiday existed, did you?  It was apparently started in 1972 by a couple of sisters (one in Texas and one in North Carolina), with the goal of according the pig "its rightful, though generally unrecognized, place as one of man's most intellectual and domesticated animals."  You can read all about it on Wikipedia.

To help you celebrate this day, I've rounded up some meal ideas, movies to watch, and some coloring book images that you can print, color, and decorate the livingroom with.  Also, I've drawn you a pig.  A dead-eyed, soulless pig.

Here is a short music video I found for you too.

Recipes:

• Spinach Salad with Warm Bacon Dressing
• Cuban Sandwiches

Movies:

• Charlotte's Web
• Babe
• The Muppets Take Manhattan
• The Simpsons Movie
• Lord of the Flies
• Toy Story
• The Lion King
• Chicken Little

Coloring Book Images:

  

Also, since it's Jackson's 9th birthday too, please tell him the steak that you're going to give him is also from me.

Travel Photos

If I get around to taking and uploading photos, you might even get two posts in one day!  Like today!

Here is a moose we ran into on our way home...didn't even make it from the airport before we found him chillin' on the roadside.

Also, a photo of the pretty mountains from the plane.

Trying to book the rest of my trip...so far, we think I'm heading to Hawaii on March 15.  There is one seat, on one flight, for $400 one way (blech!), but otherwise, I can't even get there in the month of March (stupid spring break).  So I think we'll take it.

As far as Hawaii to Colorado, that's still TBD...maybe around the 22nd?  24th?  Not sure.  More details to come...

February 28: The Introduction

If you're reading this, it means I am en route (or already there, if you ignored my email for several hours) to Alaska for an indeterminate amount of time.  Sad!  But fear not, for I've devised a plan to keep you enjoying my company even while I'm gone.

First, I went and found one of those calendars that lists every random holiday that exists, and decided that I would help you celebrate each of those days.  Now, March doesn't have any super cool ones like "Talk Like a Pirate Day", but there are some good ones for sure.

What this means is that I'm giving you a blog post a day for the next month.  And hopefully I won't be gone any longer than that because that's as far as I managed to plan when I thought of this idea sometime Sunday afternoon.

Sometimes these blog posts will have photos.  Maybe even some flattering photos.

Sometimes they will have links.  Maybe they will be good links and maybe they will not.  The quality will probably be inversely related to the amount of time I have, oddly enough.  Just a prediction.

Sometimes they will even have clues that direct you to presents that I've hidden around the house.  Yes, that's right!  Presents!  As in multiple presents!  But first you'll have to solve my incredibly difficult clues.

Hopefully this helps ease the pain of my absence, which I know is making you all feel dead inside.  Don't worry, I'll be back soon enough.  I love you all very much and miss you terribly...look here for your first real March Holiday Madness message tomorrow!