Sweet Dreams

Last night I dreamed you proposed to me in the front yard. I was immediately stung by a bee and it turns out I'm allergic. Really allergic. So the romantic moment ended in an ER trip. And yet, somehow that seemed completely in line with what I would expect from us, and in fact, made it more appropriate.

We talked a lot about dreams in our early conversations. The sexy ones, the funny ones, the strange ones, and the dreams of the future. Let's take a trip down memory lane...

me: usually it's my alarm going off and in my dream i'll hear a telephone and i'll start searching for it in my dream. i usually end up in the library frantically pulling books off the shelves, looking for the phone that won't stop ringing.

you: Well, I didn't specifically design the dream dates to include sex, but sometimes that kind of stuff happens at the end of dates.

me: i had a dream several weeks ago that i was pregnant and my thought wasn't even, wtf what am i going to do, it was shit! now i can't play 40-hands!

you: you're dreamy ;-)

me: My dream is to buy land and design and build my own house someday. A couple acres, not too far from some metro area, but still with more earth than concrete. A stream would be nice too. And definitely trees. And room for children and dogs to run and play.

you: i dreamt of you ;-). we were in a hotel only it was actually more of a dorm. like a penthouse dorm. nice as shit. like two beds and a bunch of windows and shit. and one of your friends was with us--female--no clue who it was. so we come back home from wherever. and go to bed. and i remember that we made out. i look over at your friend and she's just looking at us and grinning. and then this is where i fucking crack up--and i think it was related to my real-life situation--but you got hot and freaked out and got up and opened the windows, which gave me a chuckle when i woke up. that was most of the dream other than us being awakened early because our penthouse room was adjacent to like the dorm rec room or whatever. i think we bickered a little because you couldn't find your "little timex watch with a blue bezel". i went to close the windows while you were in the shower and the windows were lowe alpine brand and they were janky as shit.

Oh, look--room for dogs to run and play...

A Toast! To us!

Our last vacation was pretty beer heavy. DC in July will likely be the same. If we do Belgium next year, well, that's next level. My point? We're pretty damn Irish. It would make sense then, that many of our conversations also revolve around drinking, right? And given our, ahem, modesty, one-ups-manship about drinking.

Onward!

me: you're talking to an ASU grad. Playboys #1 party school. i know about drinking too much :)
you: in law school, i didn't drink often. but when i did, i went overboard

you: your suggestion of a night dedicated to recalling drinking stories
me: is brilliant?
you: shouldn't we get together and drink? i mean, i'm sounds a little mundane in that context
me: that would be appropriate
you: i love the theme but would like to tweak the medium a bit

you: here's where you're really cute by claiming you can drink more than me ;-)
me: hahaha--i'm pretty damn irish too
you: you know the phrase "well, you gotta be good at something?" i'm good at drinking.
you: drinking fast, drinking for a long time, drinking copious amounts...i'm good at it all
you: sprinter, marathon runner, powerlifter...i'm all of these :-)

you: Drinking is one of my "bad" habits. If i'm going to be bad, i'm going to go all out. Drink what i want. Not worry about a few more calories.

me: so it sounds like we need to somehow combine gear shopping, watching a chick-flick, and drinking large amounts of alcohol
you: what're you up to tonight?

Does this make us alcoholics? I'd have to say no, but the quantity of alcohol in our house might. Better come home soon and get to drinking. We had a Uinta sour cherry birthday something or other tonight...not very good.

Talk Tech to Me

Let's talk about tech, bay-bee, let's talk about you and me...

Oh, technology, how we adore thee. Maybe a little too much, but it just makes us feel superior to everyone else. And what's wrong with that? Our lives would certainly be easier if everyone else was as knowledgeable as us, but I think we (not-so-) secretly like being the ones in the know. And it gives us good stories:

• me: she said when she "hit backwards it was erasing the whole word" 
• me: she'll page and say "sarah, how do i add a box?" so i ask if she's in publisher or word, and she says, "um, microsoft i think" 
• you: i looked at her 2 year old laptop and she had NEVER deleted a file 
• me: she showed me something she had printed that was supposed to be a normal 8.5x11 but had printed as a tiny, tiny little version of it in the upper left hand corner. so i went to look at her computer, and all the settings seemed normal, so i printed one and it came out fine. i told her i didn't know what she did, but it was working now. as i was walking away she said "too bad i can't print exactly 13--it seems silly to have to pick 16 when i only want 13". i immediately did an about face and realized she was selecting the zoom of 16 pages per sheet instead of typing in how many she wanted. 
• you: my mom's the worst. she calls me ALL THE TIME 

Although, just to be clear, I've always been just a little ahead of you on the tech front. I mean, I've been using a computer since I was 11 months old and would play Simon on our very early Mac with my dad. Before I could even read. Fortunately, you've always said that you, "find [my] computer-savviness very cute!!" And that you, "really appreciate someone with computer skills." I share my many talents with you, though, because I'm just that generous.

• me: i've got office 07. i love it 
• you: really?
• me: yeah
• you: i tried it twice. i hate it
• me: it took adjustment, but i love love it
• you: maybe you can teach me

 

Firsts

We've had many firsts over the years--first date, first kiss, first fight, first time meeting the parents, first road trip, first time missing my birthday, first time agreeing our dogs are defective, first time addressing the t-shirt issue, first time trying to agree on a wood stain color... God, we're weird.

Anyway, let's revisit some of those firsts.

First kiss (not each other):

• you: Alison at the mall in 7th grade. We went with my friend Jon and his girlfriend. We were in an exit hallway together and saw Jon and Janette kissing, so I kissed her. It wasn't really romantic or even that memorable because I was absolutely terrified beyond recognition. We dated for a couple of months and then she dumped me.
• me: Byrl, and he was as simultaneously awkward and aggressive as a 14 year old boy could be. He was a classical violinist and pianist with every goosebumps book ever written, and a proud iguana owner. We ended up making out a couple times, and then he said the best/worst line of all time, without any previous comment on the subject from me, when he lifted my shirt... "Don't worry, they'll get bigger someday."

First kiss (each other):

• me: "game recognize game, and you're looking really unfamiliar right now" 
• you: hey, you dissin' my game? id say it's done alright thus far ;-)
• me: your game? psh. that was my game
• you: really?
• me: yep. start to finish
• you: hmmm...im gonna have to disagree on that one a bit
• me: how so?
• you: well, i think id agree that the first kiss was mutual
• me: 1) who suggested we meet? 2) who suggested we meet for the first time the same day it came up? 3) who gave out her phone number without waiting for you to ask because you took way the hell too long?
• you: hey, i didnt need it at that point! according to you, miss game-killer, you were talking to someone else
• me: 4) who extremely unsubtly said she needed something to do the following evening? 5) who then invited you to stay longer than originally planned?
• you: i was just being respectful
• me: i WAS talking to someone else...so? no risk, no reward
• you: ouch. you make me sound like a huge pussy here ;-)
• me: i can keep going

First time I knew you were my type:

• you: It reminds me of how much time I spent designing my resume. Seriously. I even paid money to download additional fonts to try in Word. I think I tried 9 or 10 different types of paper, 3 or 4 different printers to find the one that printed best, etc. The seemingly simple task of building a resume consumed nearly weeks of my life.

First time you knew I was your type:

• me: my first concert was Iron Maiden

Planning our first in-person meeting:

• you: do you have a preference for activities? not sure what your ideal first meeting would be, considering im a stranger
• me: nah
• you: and could still, at this point, be a complete lunatic
• me: as long as you're not taking me into the woods
• you: so a large, open field would be ok?
• me: yes

Still many firsts to come...hope they're just as strange and blog-worthy...

Speaking of strange, this is relatively entertaining:

You know what music is? Harmonic connection between all living beings.

Good thing I have you to dictate what my music style is.

me: i'm fairly music illiterate as nathan broadcasts to anyone who will listen so [I often listen to] shallow, what they play on the radio crap

You came armed and ready with plenty of options.

you: 15.2 days of 24/7 music without repeating a song. i have purchased a ridiculous amount of stuff from itunes. probably around $1200.

Although, all you really wanted was one specific song.

me: get me drunk and put on [I'm a Playa] and i bust out the whitest rapping the world has seen
you: that's my new goal. wait...that makes me sound like a freak
me: you are
you: it's what i say to all the ladies...

But at least you're willing to make a fool of yourself, too.

you: Two others that I love to belt out are "American Pie" and "Sweet Caroline." I've definitely gotten on stage at a karaoke bar and I wasn't too drunk. Beer definitely helps, but I don't have to have it. I don't always get up when I go, though, because I'm a horrible singer. Understand, though, that I have no qualms whatsover about making an ass of myself in front of a room full of people...I just try not to make it a habit of forcing an entire bar full of people to suffer through my rendition of "Friends in Low Places." Or "Baby Got Back."

You made me a sweet quasi-mixed tape by email, but were concerned I might read into the lyrics.

you: some of the songs/names/lyrics may be meaningful/sappy in relation to our current situation, that's not necessarily the reason they were picked (ie i didnt do this to make you swoon over romantic music, though if you do, that's pretty cute, too)

I promise I didn't read into them. I'm not sure what I would interpret "Last night there was a horse in the road" to mean, anyway.

Feeeeeeed Me

Amongst our friends, we're both known as weird eaters. Me more than you, I'm sure, but I'm not alone in my pickiness! Onto the record:

you: what's your favorite food?
me: don't have one. i refrain from picking favorites in most things. i like mexican food and italian food. i like american
you: what food do you really, really, really, really, really like?
me: steak & potatoes, salads, anything sweet (major sweet tooth) as long as it's not flavored chocolate

I didn't fall for your little trick--I DON'T PICK FAVORITES.

you: What food can you not resist?
me: There isn't anything that I CAN'T resist, but there are plenty I don't usually resist. Lime chips with guacamole, skittles, reese's, cheese of just about any kind (except maybe swiss), raspberries, anything raspberry flavored, cheesecake...well, to make this easier to type out, basically anything fatty or sweet.

You never have listened very well. Again--no favorites.

you: do you like sushi?
me: NO
you: do you like seafood?
me: NO
you: do you like food?
me: yes
you: do you eat meat?
me: oh yes

Well, you didn't run away yet--but did you consider it?

you: so far, no red flags, except the seafood thing, which i think we can work around

Phew! Alright, well, maybe we can find some food things we can agree on?

you: food/sexual activities--good combo or leave the combos for mcdonalds?
me: you're so witty
you: hehe
me: i think some foods work well in the bedroom, and some do not
you: yeah, avocados SUCK
me: i love avocado. i would eat that off anything
you: good to know ;-)
me: honey was suggested once, but i am not interested in that...waaay too sticky and messy
you: not in as much of a sexual way, but more in a food fight
me: i'd be fine with that for some food, not honey
you: ok
me: like whipped cream would be fine
you: YES!
me: honey would be a nightmare to clean up
you: YEAH. hair. sheets.
me: ugh. pass.

Guess it's time to bust out the avocado and whipped cream and go to town...

Wedding Plans

Since you told me that I "needn't worry about scaring [you] away by talking about dreams of weddings", I should probably bring that fun topic up. As you know, it's one of my favorites. Just to remind you, here's what you had to say about wedding talk:

"First, these topics aren't ominous to me. Second, just because you mention a wedding, or even 'our kids' or something of the sort, I know that this is not your way of saying "I want to get pregnant tomorrow." I say similar things all the time, so I hope you share my thoughts on this topic."

So, that being said, let's go back to the day we consider ourselves officially dating: December 18, 2007. And this little convo:

you: we could elope, while i'm dressed in armor, and riding a dog
me: my mom always suggested it
you: that would BE hot
me: the eloping anyway...the details she left up to me. she also said she'd write me a check instead of paying for a wedding
you: to cover the $50 eloping fee?
me: no, i think she's thinking more like 10k
you: OH
me: she thinks weddings are drama
you: so we could elope, then invest in some better armor and livery and go slay some dragons?
me: i'll watch
you: alright, will you put on a fluffy dress and ride side saddle?
me: of course
you: HOT. I'm gonna go sharpen my broadsword.
me: hopefully you'll survive the dragon slaying though 'cause i won't get a second check

Also, I'll just throw it out there that you said you wanted to marry Leann Womack. So at least I know you want to marry someone ;).

By the Numbers, Part II

From December 6 to December 31, 2007, we chatted 37 times, totaling 126,558 words and over 645,000 characters. When pasted into a Word document, that's 379 pages of horniness. Let's get to the word cloud:

  

Okay, so this one isn't really scandalous compared to the last one, as I said it would be. Although, "sex" does show up 139 times in our conversations, "love" 164 times, and "naked" 22 times. "Haha" shows up 552 times. Clearly we crack each other up.

To make up for the fact that it wasn't as scandalous as you might've been hoping for (I know I was), here are some photos:

By the Numbers, Part I

From December 6 to December 31, 2007, we sent 51 emails, totaling 48,220 words and over 260,000 characters. When pasted into a Word document, that's 83 pages of puppy love. My new thing at work is data visualization, so let's get our data visualization on, shall we?

Now, keep in mind, this doesn't cover any of the chat conversations--email only. Which would be why it's not nearly as scandalous as it should be :). That little comparison will be Part II...

Around the World in 4.5 Years

When we started dating you had visited 31 US states to my 24. I had you beat in countries though. Since then, we've been to Mexico, Spain, and Portugal together, and have each added 7 states to our list. Not too bad! Perhaps more impressive was our ability to survive an epic road trip having only been dating for 3 months.

I don't have any quotes for you today--too many things going on around here--but the trip to BV today brought me back to our many, many, many adventures around the world and close to home. We just travel really well together. We would definitely win Amazing Race.

   

Romance

We're definitely in the top quartile (that was for you, data geek) for sentimentality and romance I would think, even if sometimes we're a bit nontraditional about it:

We consider gifts and surprises to be the best way to express romance:

• you: What is the most romantic thing you have ever done for someone?
  me: Oh wow.  Good question.  I think usually it manifests itself in my gift-giving.
  you: Just as your romanticism typically manifests itself in gifts, mine typically manifests itself in travel/romantic getaways.

We think small things are more romantic than big things:

• you: I do feel, at least idealistically, that being romantic is more of a theme or a feeling that results from "all the small things"

Our first kiss was romantic without being romantic:

• you: It's funny, because it wasn't necessarily the most romantic setting, but there's just something about that moment after we hugged when we kind of paused for a second before we kissed that was really, really nice. By the way, I NEVER kiss on the second date (not by policy or anything, it just doesn't happen) and I usually decide "Ok, I want to kiss this girl" and then wait for a couple of dates until the moment arises. I had no intentions of kissing you, even while we were hugging. Guess I just had a feeling. Also, I'm not saying that I kissed you or you kissed me or whatever...I'm just using it in general terms.

In our conversations, you bring up romance far more than I do (which is adorable, btw):

• you: I had a "first date" idea. I hope you're not looking for anything crazy romantic. Or really romantic at all. 
• you: Fish guts are behind like 90% of my romantic stories
• you: Yes, I believe in mushy stuff.

Jackson

I may have fallen in love with your dog before I fell in love with you. But I'm sure that doesn't surprise you--Jackson's pretty easy to love. In fact he's camped out on the floor next to me right now, dreaming away. In our early conversations, he (and my future puppy dreams) definitely played a starring role...

you: my dog is CRAZY!!
me: is jackson excited to see your bro's dog?
you: she's in his room so he went apeshit running all over sniffing until he found her
me: love the puppy antics
you: and they've both already eaten a bowl of the other's food

you: When it was time to pick him out, I spent hours playing with all of the different puppies testing them for a variety of characteristics. It shouldn't be much of a surprise that Jackson was at the top of the class in every category. I like to tell people that he picked me, not the other way around.

me: I've always had dogs, and it's tough being without them. I can't wait until the day my life is stable enough that I can get one for myself. A big, furry, loveable one. Like a Newfoundland maybe. Mmmm....puppies...
you: I think Newfoundlands are AWESOME dogs. I like Bernese Mountain Dogs a lot. Big old lovers. I considered a Greater Swiss Mountain Dog as one of the breeds when I was deciding what kind of dog to get--basically a short-haired Bernese.

you: I'd rather pay someone to express Jackson's anal glands than do it myself.

you: Jackson's a pretty good speller, he's just not very good at communication. He says "woof."

you: there's room for you here right now. jackson on one side of my lap, you on the other...
me: not sure i'd want to share
you: he might have something to say about that...

you: Jackson has more nicknames than any person I've met.

me: Adrienne likes both Jackson the dog and Jackson the name. I'm not sure why, actually, she's not even much of a dog person, so it's kind of confusing to me. I guess I'll understand if she one day names her child Jackson.

And now we've got Jenny, who is special in her own way...

Geeking Out

Beyond the affinity for good grammar and spelling, we have a few other shamefully dorky tendencies. Okay, more than a few. Some might say a lot. A whole lot. But that just makes us more awesome, right?

me: I watch 27.439 hours [of tv] per week
you: Hey. Careful. You're talking to a data guy here. Start throwing numbers around like that and you might really sweep me off my feet :-)

me: I do not pick favorite colors or food, but I definitely pick favorite [software] programs

me: I still have my t-shirt from [the state spelling bee]. I wear it as a night shirt. I should wear it with my crossword underwear. Be ultra geek.

you: I call Jackson "Jacksonian Democracy" sometimes  you: PS This is what part of the alphabet would look like if Q and R were eliminated.

me: If Peter Piper picked a peck of pickled peppers, how many pickled peppers did Peter Piper pick?
you: 7 according to my data, but two had Phytophthora Blight and had to be discarded, netting Peter Piper 5 pickled peppers picked

me: How much wood would a woodchuck chuck if he were to have gone to college like his dad told him to instead of taking that year off to "find himself" by backpacking through Europe only to return home and realize he still didn't know who he was and he was a lot poorer and couldn't get a scholarship anymore so he ended up working at the 7-11 down the street from his parents' house and living in their basement until he was 37 and then found a twice divorced crack whore with 3 children from 3 fathers to shack up with and teach him how to commit petty theft?
you: According to my research, a college degree is worth a steadily growing bundle.  According to new data from the Commerce Department's U.S. Census Bureau,  Americans age 18 and older with a bachelor's degree earned an average of $51,554, while those with a high school diploma earned $28,645.  Thus, a difference of $22,909 per year would translate into approximately 101.8 fewer cords of wood chucked.  Poor guy.

And that doesn't cover the number of conversations making fun of people's tech support issues or graphic design fails. Maybe those will be future posts...

Reason #7,403: You're a Grammar Nazi

I shouldn't be surprised, but I managed to get exactly what I asked for on Match: someone who knows how to use a semicolon correctly. I believe I also requested good spelling, punctuation, and grammar, and I'm glad to say I got all of that, and more. Countless times over the course of our courting emails we corrected each other and ourselves, falling head over heels with each typo fixed. Or something like that.

you: grammar corrections dont bother me. i find them endearing, in fact
me: well then you're gonna find me overwhelmingly endearing. not that you have bad grammar, i just like to make corrections
you: that last sentence didn't have a period.
me: grammar is not the same as punctuation
you: uh, yeah it is
me: i keep them distinct because i don't do punctuation in IM very often
me: but if you're going to nitpick, then your sentences aren't starting with capitals
you: lot's of times i dont in email either. capitals--don't need them
me: me either, except for EMPHASIS, when i need to YELL AT YOU

you: I want to make sure your worthy first.
me: You mean you're
you: oh god. what the fuck. i hate myself right now. 

you: basically told him that i should have no problem swooning you because that's what i'm up against...
me: swooning me? i don't think that's the proper usage of that word AT ALL

you: fyewf ;-)
me: you have the funniest ways of spelling your onomatopoeias

me: new mom's? moms. no apostrophe. bad, sarah, bad
you: i won't hold it against you. self correction
me: i hold it against myself

you: i don't spell a lot alot alot.
me: i do probably as probalby all the time
you: wow...a grammatically correct sentence with three a lot's in it
minus some punctuation

It must've been the puppy love that kept me from pointing out the additional errors I see now, but considering you were the only candidate with proper semicolon usage, I'll take what I can get! ;)

I haven't killed any of your plants yet.

Reason #1: Your Sense of Humor

Although we're up to the tens of millions in reasons now, if we go back to the first reason I fell in love with you, it was probably your sense of humor. In fact, your first words--ever--to me, were to tell me how witty you were: "This is witty; this is wittier."

But there are LOTS of examples of that famous McAfee wit:

• "I grabbed my junk with both hands and said 'If you can fit it in this way, then I'll cry uncle.'"
• "I don't have foreplay. I have depositions." 
• "It wouldn't make me special, it would acknowledge my special-ness."
• "I was dumped on my birthday and all I got was this stupid email."
• "You have to understand that I'm not as f'ed up as these jokes make me seem. And you have to promise not to tell anyone where you heard them from if you repeat them."
• "What do you give a deaf, dumb, and blind kid for Christmas? Cancer."

Although, I'm not so un-funny myself. Once the facade of gentility was removed, I rocked your world with some seriously messed up jokes:

• "What's the toughest part of having sex with a five year old? Getting blood out of your clown suit."
• "What's the difference between a black man and a pizza? A pizza can feed a family of four."
• "What's the difference between cookies and Jews? Cookies don't scream when you put them in the oven."

Turns out we're both pretty "hariacal".

Outside Perspectives

No relationship is really just the two people doing the dating. It's also the opinions of the family and friends that feel the need to stick their nose in it. Their opinions are important to us, and more importantly, they say some really funny things about our new relationships in the early days. So with that, let's get into the outsider perspectives:

OPINIONS ABOUT COREY
Sarah's Mom:

• "He seems like a nice guy. and smart. Geez...I get dumber every time you meet someone. My position in the pecking order keeps dropping."
• "Good for him [for receiving an award]. I'm glad he's not a ward of the state. A ward of the zoo. I don't know."

Sarah's Sisters:

• "Sarah's talking to her future baby daddy"

Sarah's Friends:

• "I think he's already my bff" (Matt)
• "He sounds so cute" (Adrienne)
• "I approve of his dog. but I already told you that. He also has the blue eyes dark hair combo that I approve of." (Adrienne)
• "Lesbian Sarah usually calls me Smapes, but we had so much fun talking about you tonight that she's decided that she might as well start calling me Smcafee instead."
• "He does seem to like to talk" (Russell)
• "Corey seems nice, you do need to teach him about sports though." (Russell)
• "Tell Corey I like his rack." (Russell)

OPINIONS ABOUT SARAH
Corey's Mom:

• "Well , I haven't told her [about you] because I'm going to have to explain to her that I am dating a girl named Sarah who is not the same girl as the last girl I was dating who was also named Sarah who she does not know that I am no longer dating. So it's going to be confusing for her."
• "Sounds right up your alley" [because she works for a nonprofit]
• "Cubby's gonna get married" 

Corey's Dad:

• "My dad calls you my 'match ho'"

Corey's Brother:

• "Stop spittin' game" 

Corey's Friends:

• "I've gotten a thumbs-up re: you from all the important people"
• "I like her choice of dress. Pretty and slightly sexy." (Jana)
• "Good girl. Confident and bawdy. Good combo." (Jana)
• "Dude, she's a real catch. Try not to fuck this one up." (Tim, although it was an imagined conversation upon learning I liked Kate from Lost)
• "Marty told me I'm smitten"

Obviously our friends and family are pretty good judges of character. Especially your dad. If only we could get Jackson's take on things...

The Ultimate

Ah, date night. We've had many date nights in 4.5 years, and crossed many things off that legendary list we created in the first three months. Sadly though, it appears you've never taken me on The Ultimate Date. Let's check the record on that, shall we?

Corey: If I were going to choose the ultimate date, I'd probably be inclined to come up with a date that really focused on this still-yet-to-be-named woman.  Night in a nice hotel downtown, lots of pampering, candles, massages, showers, hot tubs, good food, probably some body paints...I'll leave the rest to the imagination ;-) 

If I remember correctly, I was the one that brought you to a hotel for a romantic date night, and you ended up with a fever and clogged sinuses.

Well, romantic hotel stays aren't really our style, anyway. Too cliche. We've never been a very cliche couple. I mean just look at some of our compliments:

• my relationship with you is similar to that of [what about] bob and the shrink. slowly i'm growing to find you endearing
• you'd be way less fun to hang out with if you were pregnant
• you're such a dork
• you would be very boring without booze
• you are worthy of paying for the entire first date
• i wanna love you but never too much
• it's nice to get reminders that you're human and not a figment of my imagination 
• your sat score is pretty hot
• i haven't been sober since i met you
• you're smarter than i even guessed 

Can you tell who said what? Too bad I don't have your classic "cute puffy cheeks" compliment on e-record. We're pretty much the best complimenters ever. Also, analogies. We rule at analogies. Here's The Ultimate Analogy--the best I found in my email revisits:

Me: well, i know i have a lot to offer and i find that men latch on to that quickly and suddenly find themselves in far deeper emotional water than i am, because i'm still analyzing the shallow end. i want to look at every tile on the bottom of the pool or something, and probably count the number of steps i've taken or other OCD things, and then suddenly i'll realize partway into the water that the pool is overly chlorinated and it's making my skin itch but the guy swam out so fast into the deep end he didn't even notice, so even though i'm trying to wait for him to come back to where i am so he can hold my hand and we can exit as friends he's so busy splashing and treading water that he doesn't want to come back and then eventually i just have to leave and he drowns and his family sues me

Pretty good, eh? I really did LOL when I re-read that. We both should've been English majors. Okay, that's all for tonight...

p.s. I lied in my last post about not lying in our email exchanges. Check out this gem: "I often sleep topless"